i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
