Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
