I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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