You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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