My friends, they love my intelligence
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
