Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
