I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
