i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
