Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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