Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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