At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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