You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My dick has a subreddit
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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