Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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