all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
