Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
