You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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