there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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