just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its not stalking. its research.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
