I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
