you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
