i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He did a backflip because drugs
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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