Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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