I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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