WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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