it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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