Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
