The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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