Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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