I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
