I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
