My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
