Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
