My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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