I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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