I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.