Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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