you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
