I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
