I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
