Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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