I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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