next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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