I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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