Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
