You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
