Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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