my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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