So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
this is an emotional support booty call
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
