im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
