M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
