Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
