I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
