The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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