the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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