i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
