am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
