oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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