yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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